Are you getting enough fintech (and avocado)?
Living a busy metropolitan existence, it can be hard to know if you’re getting enough of the latest culinary zeitgeists and digital trends in your daily lives.
But what are these zeitgeists and trends? I hear you ask. You need to know if you are to measure yourself up to acceptable social standards.
For a number of fancy townies, spelling the first month of the year J-A-N-U-A-R-Y is an archaic fashion. The contemporary spelling is V-E-G-A-N-U-A-R-Y, and pronounced vee-gan-you-airy. A keen staple of the January vegan’s diet is avocado. That’s the culinary zeitgeist. Your friends are eating loads of avocados. Are you?
On the digital front, London is a capital of fintech. Everyone who’s anyone is waving their fashionable neobank cards at cashiers and slamming their Apple watches on contactless terminals. But are you everyone or anyone? Are you engaging with fintech at the socially acceptable rate?
This test will help you clarify, like a digital life coach. But one that doesn’t constantly say to you, “tell me how that emotion made you feel.” No, this test will give you cold hard answers. The answers you’ve been searching for your whole life.
Did you pay for your smashed avocado on sourdough this morning with a luminescent neobank card/watch/phone?
- I paid for my double sausage and egg McMuffin with shillings and guineas.
- I slammed my Apple watch down on the terminal quicker than you could say ‘avocado’.
Does your oat milk avocado latte come with an avocado silhouette stencilled into the milk?
- I prefer Nescafe instant.
- I make the barista redo the coffee if I decide the avocado silhouette is even slightly misshapen.
Do you laugh at the barista when asked if you’d like to pay with ‘cash or card’, before unsheathing your phone from your pocket and raising it aloft – like King Arthur pulling the sword from the stone?
- I counter with the word ‘barter’ and produce a selection of silks and spices.
- It really is the only way to pay.
Do you tend to get the best returns on your cryptocurrency trading when you’re chowing down on a viscous avocado smoothie?
- I tend to put a pound on an accumulator on Saturdays while drinking old fashioned pick me ups like lager.
- Avocado powers the part of the brain that focuses on fintech.
Do you pay for the tube with a contactless payment device, knowing that little else looks cooler than caressing the terminal with your phone and sliding through the barriers?
- I use an Oyster card like it’s still 2004.
- Yes. I’m a digital native and the world needs to know it
Do you become apoplectic when you try to buy organic avocado down at the farmers market and they don’t accept contactless payments?
- Carrying cash makes me feel richer.
- Cash disgusts me, and I won’t touch it under any circumstances.
Mostly 1s: You’re a relic of the past, who would be more at home in a Venetian spice merchant’s market than Shoreditch’s Silicon Roundabout.
Mostly 2s: Your fintech and avocado intake is commendable. But you could always make further efforts towards living in that tech-first avocado utopia you’ve dreamt of. Try consuming at least 5 portions of avocado daily, and excommunicate friends and family that you see interacting with cold hard cash. They’re just holding you back, man.